Protest Heralds New Age

Posted on April 30, 2011



March 26th saw one hundred billion people descend upon London to protest the cuts. Said Brendan Barber, leader of the TUC on the largest gathering in the history of mankind, “It was a great turn out.”

In Hyde Park, as the march began, Labour’s Ed Miliband said, “This just shows how angry the people of Britain are at the scale and speed of the cuts. What I’m hearing on the voters’ doorsteps is that they’re fed up of Cameron, they want Camer-off!” He went on to assure the crowds that Labour had no credible alternative and would be doing the same thing as the coalition, only that it would be better.

However, David Cameron was quick to the defence, speaking to the BBC’s Huw Edwards via video link from his castle, protected from the billions of angry protesters by a moat bought on expenses. He alternated between the phrases, “We have to clean up the mess left by the previous government”, “We’re having to make some tough decisions” and “We’re all in this together”. Cameron repeated these phrases for one hour of the BBC’s 24 hour coverage, and every five minutes, Nick Clegg appeared and said: “Fairness.” 

Meanwhile London was ballooning with an unprecedented number of people. With all transport closed, and all staff on strike (calling for the complete abolition of the wage system), manoeuvring around the city became a real challenge. The march was a gradual affair, with those at the front setting the pace to some serious dubstep, and those at the back, out of earshot, getting impatient. A veritable ‘squeezed middle’ developed inside.

Familiar chants resounded around the streets of London, a hit parade of anger. As the day drew on, the police imposed the largest kettle in history, saying to the BBC’s Tim Willcox, “We’re very disappointed in the behaviour of the protesters, our only option has been to imprison them for maybe ten hours. No food, water, or toilet facilities will be available to them because they are troublemakers.”

What ensued was a standoff. Facing the shields of the police were the protesters’ book-blocs. Negative Dialectics and Society of the Spectacle provided some damning critiques of the capitalist order and the mediation of the event, while deflecting the riot police’s phallic batons. Armoured book bloc vehicles were made of historical oeuvres. Marx’s four published volumes of Kapital made a book bloc tank, with the unpublished work a jeep following behind. The complete works of Shakespeare became a veritable military coach. Up against this strength, the police were powerless.

As twilight crept through London, the kettle boiled and burst, and dissent was victorious. Parliament was stormed, Buckingham Palace was stormed, every bank, Vodafone outlet and Philip Green store was destroyed. Boris Johnson was seen riding a Barclays bike into the sunset, a sack of cash around his neck, and 100 billion people rejoiced.

The party was over, the protest an overwhelming success. But on the morning of the 27th David Cameron was back on TV. Perplexing some, he congratulated the protest as a “splendid display of democracy”. Moreover, so he said, it was a great day for Britain’s economy, for even though the clean-up operation would be so large it would increase the deficit by twenty times, private companies are lining up to take on the burden.

With taxes going up to ensure prosperity for these companies, the government are now compelled to sell everything. The Royal Family are being sold to the Norwegian Royal Family, the BBC to Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation, the roads to Top Gear (now a part of News Corp.), and all listed buildings to be sold to Tesco who plan to open 374,081 new stores. As for the Government itself, it is to be divided between G4S, Capita and Serco, and renamed GovernmentCorp.

Due to a combination of outsourcing and merging, jobs will be scarce and benefits terminated. Those lucky enough to find a job will be in receipt of the new minimum/maximum wage, set by the Serco Home Office, at £3.59 an hour. Only the financial sector and the managerial class will be exempt from the new wage, with GovernmentCorp maintaining that “regulating the banks will only drive crucial talent overseas.”

David Cameron, newly crowned CEO of GovernmentCorp, concluded his address to the nation on the 27th of March by thanking his people once again. “Because of the continuing perseverance of our just and virtuous populace, finally we are united in embarking on a new era of prosperity for me and my friends. I am determined that Britain will not let us down, and I commend this statement to the House!”

Posted in: 4. Ed Two